Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
