Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
