i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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