I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
