Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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