I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
