If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
