When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
