There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
