Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
