my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My underwear smells like fireworks.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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