If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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