Pregnant stripper...not hot.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
