I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
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It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
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Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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