If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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