An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
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There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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