Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
