Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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