if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
