you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
