You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My vagina just clenched in fear
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
