tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
