I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
