dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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