How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
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I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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