i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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