dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
