I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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