what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
