I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
