Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Randomize
