Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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