dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
