Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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