i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
