a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
