Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
