She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
