That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
