I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
