Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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