3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
