what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Randomize
