The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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