I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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