And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
