I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
There's always time for handjobs
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
