Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
