I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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