My liver just broke up with me...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
