my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
