guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
