this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
