i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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