I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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