Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
