Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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