My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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