i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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