my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
