Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
