My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
