I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
